It's 1:08am.  I am drained.  Yawning.  And heading to bed.  But I need to tell you about my kids.  They deserve pages and pages written about them and the few paragraphs here will not do them justice.  But I simply cannot go to bed without telling you a few things.

Today's my birthday.  Well it was.  As the day changed to the 21st, I was typing away up here in my office...my second job of sorts.  The one that keeps me up a night or two a week. 

I'm so tired.  I can't stop yawning. So for tonight...I'll list things quickly.

*I came home and smelled something at the door as I unlocked it.  In the kitchen I found a freshly baked cake, with a heart shaped post it note that said, Happy Birthday Mom.  Propped beside was a card.  My 11 year old daughter, with no prompting from anyone, baked me a cake for my birthday.  I could not believe it. 

*At the soccer field, Asher insisted on carrying my folding chair to and from the van as it was my birthday.  Quite the gentleman.  He hugged me several times today too.  And when I asked him to help bath the girls, not a whine, whimper or argument.  He just did it. 

*Speaking of Asher, he's been debating now what he'd like for his birthday coming up on June 1.  A Star Wars Lego Republic GunShip or a bike.  He came to me tonight and said, "Mom.  I've decided finally that I'd like the Republic Gunship.  I can find a bike ANYwhere at a yard sale but I will never find the Lego Republic Gunship for cheap."  Such LOGIC from an 8 year old!  I only wish I could give him both because he deserves both and more.

*Bailey had mentioned a few times about a recipe we'd have to make for World Cultures.  I asked him tonight on a whim if that was due tomorrow.  He said yes.  Then he said, "But we don't have to mom.  I know you have to work tonight.  I'm sorry.  It's okay."  I didn't grumble, or groan at the idea of having "one more thing" to do tonight.  We just took the recipe to the store, bought the ingredients and worked side by side and made those norwegian almond balls.  And you know what?  It was one of those moments I think he'll remember forever.  I know I will.  Me and my son, in his man-size flannel pajama pants, rolling sticky dough with me.  And Finnley...my little woman...not letting me clean up a thing afterward.  Her friend stopped by and she continued to tidy up the kitchen as she and her friend talked...as if it was the most natural thing in the world for an 11 year old to be bustling about the kitchen. 

These kids!!  These precious, amazing kids who, I've decided, I can take very little credit for.  To God be all the glory. 

I love this picture.  I was thinking of it on my way to work this morning and knew that today I would use it as the inspiration for my blog.  This may take all day...in between working...but I really need to write about this picture. 

I miss my kids like crazy.  It was a whirlwind weekend, this past weekend.  They seem to fly by now.  I picked the kids up from their dad's Thursday evening.  We had our traditional Little Caesar's pizza and then we set to work starting to move the boys to the attic bedroom and the girls into the boys' room. At first I wasn't sure we'd accomplish it.  It was quite the feat just to rid the boys's room of all the junk they had accumulated.  The task felt almost insurmountable but I can be quite the drill sergeant and the kids are quite the troopers.  Friday morning, we jumped right back into it.  The boys are now set up with their very own bachelor pad in the attic...they're thrilled.  No girls, except mom and cute baby sisters from time to time, allowed. 

Saturday morning we went to breakfast at a local restaurant.  Saturday afternoon, after making the buckeyes with Piper and Drue, they went with their dad for for the evening.  When they returned, we watched a movie together.  I had them for such a short time Easter morning before they went with their dad for the day.  We got up, did breakfast, baskets, an egg hunt, church and lunch.  And that's the last I've seen them.  It hit me Sunday evening that I wouldn't see them until Wednesday evening and I just started to cry. 

I thought of them all day at work.  They were off school and at their dad's.  On my way home, I tried to call them.  And nothing, I assure you, is more frustrating as a mom than not being able to talk to your babies.  To hear their voice.  Hear about their day.  I tried multiple times the rest of the evening, all to no avail.  Finally, I went to bed. 

See, Paul and Kristie don't have a land line.  Fairly common these days, right?  Except that the cell service where they live is spotty at best and the ONLY place they can talk on the phone is in their bathroom, on speakerphone, holding it up by the window.  Are you kidding me?  That means that, most times, when I call, they don't hear it ring.  And when I do get to talk to them, sometimes I can't understand what they're saying.   But last night, missing them so much, I wouldn't have cared.  I just wanted to hear their voices.  I considered, at 9pm last night, driving out there and just taking them home but of course, then what when I have to leave for work at 6:45 in the morning?  I was told once by Kristie to mind my own business about them getting a landline.  I offered to take $25 off the child support each month to help pay for it.  To no avail.  So, I sit here...day two of missing my kids like crazy.

Anyway...the picture above.  I love Piper's little face and how it's still babyish. Not for long though.  Moms of older kids, you'll know what I mean when I say that one day, you look at them and they're all stretched out and their feet are the same size or bigger than yours.  Their legs are these long dangling things.  They are growing and changing and look more now like little adults than big babies.  And you search and you search for one feature, just one trace of the baby still in them and you're hard pressed to find it.  :(  I think I am so lucky to have five kids because I still have some babies left.  Drue and Piper are still little.  They still need mommy, though less so every day.  They still have some of the peach fuzz-y hair on their backs that I remember from when they were newborn.  They still cry and curl up against me if they're sad.  So the picture above, of my baby-est baby...perched on the counter...still so small in comparison to me, helping me to stir the peanut butter mixture...just makes my heart ache and smile all at the same time. 

I used to think time moved so slowly.  When I was a stay at home mom and I felt like there was something else I should be doing.  Something to feel more important.  Hah.  It took getting a job...needing to have a job...to realize that the most important thing in the world is what I was doing every single day at home.  Time flies so quickly now.  Days melt into weeks.  Weeks turn into months and before I know it it's spring.  Summer will be here before I know it and then school again.  I can't catch my breath.  I'm standing here, gasping, yelling, "Stop.  Stop growing.  Stop changing.  Stay.  Just as you are now.  Let me enjoy this.  Right here.  Right now." 

So...the other thing the picture above represents is my attempts lately to enjoy them.  Right here.  Right now.  Would it have been easier to whip those up myself?  Yes.  Would it have been quicker to stir the peanut butter myself instead of her little hands?  Yes.  But..in the few moments I get to spend with them now, do I want them to remember a harried, rushed, frustrated, no-nonsense mom?  Not anymore.  Time's running out.  It's time, once and for all...to be the mom I always swore I'd be to the most amazing kids I've ever met.  They deserve the world.  And I'll do the best I can to give it to them.  It started Saturday with a buckeye recipe and some time. 

I'm here.  I have not died.  Life is good.  Except for occasional arguments (like today while I was at work) with the kids' dad about the kids.  I tend to stand up for them and these days I don't know what he stands up for.  He spends 50% of his time bickering with his girlfriend and the other 50% defending her. Our kids suffer as a result. 

:(  It's sad.  If any of you have some good reading about issues such as these....like why it should be okay for kids to bring stuff back and forth from home to home for consistency, etc...I'd appreciate a nod in that direction.  She feels what's there stays there and the kids shouldn't bring anything with them either.  She threw Bailey's bag at the ground the other day when unloading her trunk.  The poor kids didn't ask to be shuffled around like nomads.  The very least we can do is facilitate by letting them bring "their things" back and forth.  sigh.  I can't seem to communicate with the kids' dad without him swearing, yelling or hanging up on me these days.  Or else he propositions me for sex.  Nice, right?  There's no in between with him it seems and both scenarios nauseate me.   

So...maybe just photocopies of information about divorce and the welfare of children will give him the message.  On top of that stack will be copies of why you shouldn't smoke in front of the kids....she does.  Not him.  And he doesn't care.  Ass.  I could go on and on but I digress.

In the meantime, here are some cute pictures of the girls.  Eric and I (and Finn) took them to see the Easter Bunny at the mall on Sunday.  I hadn't done this in years....well...since Bailey was 2 and Finn was 6 months. 

More later. 

This could potentially be the ugliest blog I've written to date.  Either stop reading now or hang on for the ride. 

-Bailey came home from school today.  He's blinking again.  In that "tic-ish" way that drives me nuts.  I don't know of anyone on Paul's side of the family who has a tic disorder and of course I'm adopted so I have no clue.  But it drives me nuts and makes me feel bad for him all at the same time.  I asked if he's particularly stressed right now and he is.  He's missing 5 homework assignments in Algebra, bringing his grade down to a B.  Unacceptable as far as I'm concerned since he is, typically, an all A student.  We had words and of course, he's like arguing with a mini adult now except that some of his perceptions are skewed by the fact that he is only 12.  Like, why his dad left for instance.  He said it's because I always, "road his butt about stuff like I do his."  Ha.  I actually rarely rode Paul's butt about anything, except for drinking excessively and driving while doing so which, I think, were two very important things to ride someone's butt about but how do you tell a 12 year old that his dad, for all intents and purposes, sucks? 

-And that's a bit harsh but it's true.  Because, after Bailey and I had words, I called Paul to discuss Bailey's homework because for some reason, I still feel like I need to invovle Paul in that.  Of course, the Gatekeeper, must've been within a close radius because I could tell, by his answers, that she was listening and he was censoring.  Censorship is alive and well, don't you know?  When I hung up from Paul, Finn took the opportunity to mention that Paul and Kristie had been fighting again last night (a near daily occurence from what I hear...great relationship right?) and that Kristie said it's all my fault that Paul and Kristie fight.  That makes me 3/4's hysterical with laughter and 1/4 irritated.  First of all...my children should not be overhearing that crap and mostly, again, "Blame the wife of the husband you stole..." although these days, I say you can't really steal something that's not missed once its gone, right?  And I really don't.  He drives that point home every single time I talk to him for more than five minutes and see what he's become.  What he always kinda was and I just didn't know.  Finn then went on to say that Kristie was drilling her the other day to ask how I got a treadmill and that I must have money.  They still owe me $400 for January and $1000 for February and soon all of March too...but they're keeping track of what "I" spend?????  Hilarious right?  Wrong, so wrong that she drill my kids on anything or blames me for anything to my kids.  Finn said that one night she made Rice Krispy treats with Kristie...that could be really cute right?  A nice bonding experience?  Nope.  Kristie, instead, in her juvenile, selfish, unrefined, loser-ness made sure to tell Finn that there was no way that mine would ever taste better than hers.  Who does that??? Unfortunately, as adults you and I can see that that is just her insecurities talking and that she realizes she'll never fill my shoes.  But kids?  They don't see that.  I pray for my kids daily and what they're exposed to out there...sometimes I think the secondhand smoke might be the LEAST of my worries.  

-I think it's hilarious that she went to Finn's psychiatrist appointment when Finn was having that anxiety (no doubt about the big change that took place when her dad and I split) a few months ago and acted like the perfect "step parent" all, "we're in this together, for the children, blah, blah, blah," and as I sat there I just wanted to scratch her eyes out and grab handfuls of her nasty hair and just yank...and I wanted her to see how stupid she looked to the psychiatrist who already knew the story and thought very little of her.  Oh if only...but I sat there in silence and let her play her part...and I do that everyday...I let her think she's the perfect "stepparent" as she drops my girls off at preschool, etc.  Let her think what she wants.  But when she plays my children against me...it drives me crazy.  So, I called Paul back and said, "I thought I might let you know how I got the treadmill since she seems to want to know....and also, tell her to stop playing the kids against me."  And Real Paul surfaced....or at least, the Paul he's turned into since laying down with dogs (you know, coming up with fleas?)  He gets all defensive, starts swearing....sounding like an idiot and totally deviating from the reason for the call and then hangs up on me.  She's taught him well...how to be a loser and sound like one too.  At one point, I believe he said, "She'd beat the shit outta you."  I had to go to my Loser Dictionary to look that one up.  I mean, c'mon.  And somewhere deep inside, part of me wishes she would try.  Just once.  It would feel good to lay her out flat.   Meet her where she's at and beat her at HER game...which is, apparently, beating folks up.  Good lord.  The Jerry Springer-ness of it all. 

-Told ya this was ugly.  But honestly, where else am I going to vent about this?  How else can I get this all out?  I truly wish I had some way to have the kids taken care of that I could afford so that I didn't need to involve Paul and Kristie anymore than every other weekend... I've been praying for that, I'll tell ya.  I've already signed Piper up for all day preschool next year (Drue will be in all day kindergarten) just so that is all the less time they're "out there." 

-As if life isn't hard enough with work and bills and a house to care for and a dog that's got the runs and had them all through the dining room...to add to it this stupid drama and idiocy that just is not necessary wears me out.  I'm just so tired and so frustrated and sad that my life has come to this.  That my kids are exposed to 'that.'  That I have no control over it at all.  And that, ultimately, no matter what I do, my kids are going to be influenced in some way by what goes on out there.  It's just not the way life is supposed to be.  How can I be so grateful he's gone and so mad about it all at the same time????